Why do dogs lick themselves?

Because they can.

Everyone knows this old joke, but not everyone knows that there are a surprising number of men out there who are doing the same thing… because they can.

Autofellatio is the official word for being able to suck your own dick. According to research by Kinsey, approximately 1% of the male population can do it. That leaves 99% wishing, stretching and attempting to achieve the number-one male fantasy. Autofellatio may well be the ultimate in masturbation techniques; men love blow jobs, and, as they say, if you want a job done well, the best way is to do it yourself.

Al Eingang is America’s leading proponent of autofellatio. He’s been doing it for years, and has successfully made a small living selling videos of himself in the ultimate act of self-love. These include the classics A Young Man from Nantucket, Because He Can, and One Man Show. In a review of his films, Manshots magazine described him as “a lean blond with the face of an English schoolboy and the body of a pretzel.” His internet site has proved to be extraordinarily popular, both with those who can, and with those who wish they could and want to know how.

“One of the delightful things about having the Bulletin Board on my website has been seeing the number of straight men who suck their own cocks write in, discussing their feelings about it!” says Al. “I love my cock! All men who haven't been completely brainwashed into hating their bodies love their cocks!  Straight men pleasure themselves with their hands (and pretty much anything else they can think of), and they want their cocks sucked, often and well, so if they can do it to themselves, they will.”

41 year old Al is something of a sexual contortionist. Not only can he throw his legs over his head and take the full length of his penis in his mouth, he can suck on his own testicles as well. Add to that his ability to stick his own fist in his anus and – wait for it - auto-sodomise (yes, that’s right folks, he can stick his dick in his own bum), and you’ve got a spectacular sexual performance.

Al assures me that it does take a fair bit of work. “While I can stick the head in my mouth with little or no preamble, it is a bit more of a stretching-out process to get to the point where I'm taking my entire cock in my mouth, so I have to set-aside at least a half-hour to have a really deep session.” He’s a big believer in yoga, and keeping fit.  His penis measures around eight inches, but he insists that size doesn’t necessarily count. “Having a longer cock just means that you get to it sooner.  Flexibility is the key; if I can take my whole cock it wouldn't matter if it was 5 or even 3 inches long, and I know of self-suckers with average-size cocks who do very well.”

Al started young. “I was a horny adolescent, and an unusually flexible kid all through my childhood. Sucking myself was a normal and basically unremarkable part of my sex life from the age of 11 or 12; It was my only option in that area when I started exploring my sexuality, so I made the best of it!  I knew that not that many men could do it, but I was well into my 20's before I discovered what a turn-on it is for many people.”

Many of the men posting to Al’s bulletin board agree. Their girlfriends and wives are often thrilled at their abilities, and autofellatio soon becomes a regular part of their lovemaking.  Al says he’s amazed at how many women are fascinated by the idea, as a large number of his customers have always come from the gay market. “Having women express their interest in self-suck is a pretty new thing for me but I guess if you appreciate men sexually, it's just another expression of male sexuality to enjoy.”

Ben Race is a student from Melbourne, Australia who occasionally works as an escort. He is able to perform autofellatio, and sometimes it becomes part of his work. “Some guys do ask for me to perform in that way for them.  They sometimes like to do other stuff to me while I'm at it. Most guys are intrigued by it and how it must feel to be able to suck your own dick. It is always funny to see other people's reactions when you tell them you can do it.” Ben’s been self-sucking since he was 12, when he decided to experiment and discovered his own unique talent. He now does it about once a week.

Ben agrees with Al’s thoughts on what’s required for autofellatio. “It’s definitely more about flexibility than length.  I find that I can actually get much more into my mouth after I've had a few drinks. It's a really nice feeling to get all of your shaft into your own mouth.”

Autofellatio does come with its own dangers. Some men have suffered back injuries in the process, so determined were they to reach their own holy grail. One also has to be careful that the penis is not bent too much. And being caught can sometimes be a concern. After all, you can’t pass off autofellatio as something else; no matter what you say, it just looks like you’re trying to suck your own dick.

One happy camper decided to video himself in the act in the lounge room while his flatmate was away. “Finished, I went upstairs to put the tape in my safe. I ran into the house cleaner that came every other Monday to clean the house. She must have walked right passed me and up the stairs. I'm positive that she saw what I had been doing because the look on her face was plain as day.”

An older man from San Francisco told the message board of his predilection for naked displays through his open window, which faced the main gay district during the 70’s. One evening he decided to go down on himself, until a patrol car pulled up and a large policeman tapped on his window with a large baton. He hid behind the curtains as the cop yelled: “If this is how you get your nut, buy a goddam mirror!”

Another bloke was happily going at it when visitors pulled up in the driveway. He finished, threw on some clothes and went to speak to them outside. After they’d left he noticed a damp patch on his face. “I went to the bathroom mirror and saw semen stuck on the side of my face and neck! The guy I was talking to had been looking right at my face but fortunately it was kind of dark. To this day I don't know if he saw it on my face or not!” Who’d have thought There’s Something About Mary could so closely resemble a documentary?

Interestingly, autofellatio has an ancient history. Archaeologists have found hieroglyphs and ancient paintings featuring men sucking their own penises. Academic David Lorton says that many ancient texts refer to autofellatio within the religious mythology of Egypt. The sun god Ra is said to have created the god Shu and goddess Tefnut by sucking himself and spitting out his own semen onto the ground. Autofellatio was apparently performed during religious rituals in honour of this.

Another controversial theory, still debated by Egyptologists, suggests that Horus, the son of the god Osiris, performed autofellatio every night, because injesting his own semen kept the stars in their places, and thus order was maintained. While autofellatio may have been a normal part of Egyptian life, the information has been largely suppressed over the years due to its saucy nature. Many paintings featuring the act have been deliberately vandalised thanks to Victorian repression.

Al, meanwhile, has no such hang-ups.

 “Sex is one of life’s greatest pleasures, and sex with yourself is free, easy, satisfying, available at all times and free of many of the difficult emotional conflicts that tend to pop up in relationships with other people. What's not to like? I feel proud to be helping people to shed their guilt and shame around pleasure, sex, and self-pleasure, and who knows, if we get lots of straight men sucking their own cocks maybe there'll be less homophobia in the world!

“And if I had a dime for every time a man has said ‘If I could do that I'd never leave the house’ to me, I could retire right now.” 

This article originally appeared in Australian Women's Forum in February 2001
It also appears at For The Girls, a site for women.

Al Eingang's site is Solo Suck (opens in a new window, leads offsite)